Tuesday, August 26, 2008

and then they birth themselves, fully formed

So I clicked on the sitemeter link just out of curiosity and it turns out that people are still dropping by about once a day. Some of them are looking for my guacamole recipe, lots of them are apparently searching for morbid things that are also a fascination and a few are disappointed friends. I would like to tell those people that I'm sorry, but I don't think I am anymore, and I'm sorry about that.

It's a circular argument, but I don't have any burning need to write on this blog because I'm not interested in handing weapons to the enemy. I don't have anything to say that can't be used against me. It turns out that I'm a closet introvert with deeply rooted self-loathing, fear of rejection and a pathological need for approval. Who knew? Well, I knew, of course, and I wrongly assumed that my angsty pathos would merely serve as a springboard to better blogging. But the more I think about it the more I realize that I'm not interested in opening myself up to criticism or being guilt-tripped about what I choose to write or not write about. I'm also tired of setting myself up for failure. It seems to me that I have spent a lifetime trying to live up to other people's expectations of me only to find that they were impossible to satisfy. Meanwhile, my dreams were always the ones that got deferred. It turns out that I've had enough of that in my life and my own internal critic is loud enough.

I hear you thinking: "So turn off the comments already if you're so afraid of what other people think." But that's not it, I'm not afraid of what other people think, on an intellectual level, I don't really care what other people think. It's on a more visceral, emotional level that I internalize these things and then I worry about them far longer then their apparent triviality would seem to warrant. Why do I do this? Hmm, let's save that for the ocd discussion, shall we?

So anyway, if you are here wondering where the post is on the dog dying or my 10th anniversary or our spectacular camping trip to Lake Superior, or the new computer or the garage sale that never was or how my husband is planning a giant 8-foot costume regardless of the fact that my mother is planning on coming back right before Halloween well, maybe I just didn't feel like sharing. What's up with you?


Blogger Alwen said...

See, that's the thing about being an introvert. It doesn't necessarily show in our social behavior so much as in the "Whew!" we feel when everyone finally goes the heck away.

Me, I added your blog to Bloglines long ago, so if you post, it shows up there and I read you.

I am all about the no-guilt blogging!

8/27/2008 7:30 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Thanks for your comments, Alwen. I hadn't thought of bloglines but that would be good for those bloggers I love who don't write very often.

Yeah, guilt free blogging, I love it! I love our guilt-free friendship too, damn, we are awesome!

9/02/2008 1:15 PM  

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