Best Guacamole Ever

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. Don't worry, I'm not dead yet and it’s unlikely that I'll be shutting up any time soon, certainly not while there's a Shrubbery in the White House that needs pruning. (Not a very nice shrubbery either!)

Many moons ago, when I first sent out blog invites to my small circle of girlfriends, I promised recipes and today, I intend to deliver on that promise because, my dear internuts, I am one badass cook. I know! It's not like me to toot my own horn this way. It's true! I'm much more likely to be quick with the self-deprecating humor. Not to worry, I have some of that for you too. You don't think I got this fat without learning how to cook, do you?*

The problem is, most of these recipes live in my head. I tend not to measure things; it's a heaping spoonful of this, a tiny handful of that, a couple shakes of the other, etc. So what is that, a pinch? a dash? half a teaspoon? I have no clue. Blissfully I traipsed along in that manner for many years and might have continued but I got married instead hijinx ensued the universe had other ideas. After a series of non-blogworthy events, culminating in 8 pm dinner times it was determined that I needed to relinquish my role as chief cook for the greater good. (I hear that other, saner parents actually have their children in bed by this hour. I have no idea how they do this.)

Prior to marrying me, Yo's cooking experience extended to the opening of cans, nuking TV dinners and leftover take-out, he was a confessed eater of raw ramen noodles, he was a non-cook. He did not know that t=teaspoon and T=tablespoon. He thought; with a surprising display of logic for one so non-linear, that a table spoon was a spoon that one puts on the table, i.e. a serving spoon. He had to learn that a meal includes a protein, a carbohydrate and at least one but preferably two or more vegetables.

Motivated by his appetite and fearless creativity he kept trying. Yes, and for this we are eternally grateful because now? (Here comes the dirty little secret!) Sometimes I think he’s a better cook then I am! Seriously! Of course, I'm still queen of the holiday meals. He can't compete with my superior organizational skills (read: OCD) when it comes to getting everything on the table at the same time.

Slowly but surely our family favorites were documented on scrap paper to be collected in a small cardboard box on top of the microwave. Sometimes I’d remember to write things down ahead of time; other times I literally phoned it in from memory while I was at work, that’s how Yo learned to make meatloaf and the old standby Tofu Noodle Stuff®. Eventually I started writing down recipes as I was making them “in case this turns out to be a good batch.” Thus, I now have at least half a dozen recipes for Apple Crumble and I have no idea which version is best. When I figure it out I’ll be sure to let you know.

Moving along…once upon a time back in 1979 I was a sophomore in High School and my Spanish teacher decided we should have a Cinco De Mayo party and he asked us all to bring something. I’m not clear on the details but somehow I got roped into making guacamole, something I had never done. Well, long story short, I did not learn the proper way to open an avocado until several years later and frankly, the concoction I came up with was not nearly as appetizing as the picture on the menu. I mean, I knew it was supposed to be green, but that precise shade of jungle camo green was not what I was expecting.

Several years later a good friend and amazing cook showed me the proper way to open an avocado and I’ve been perfecting my guacamole ever since. Thus, the recipe I share with you below is over 20 years in the tweaking.

Beth’s Best Guacamole

• 4 ripe avocados, pitted, scooped and mashed into submission
• 1/4 c light mayo (substitute anything of similar color and consistency)
• 1.5 T lemon juice
• 1/2 t granulated garlic (Yes, I am too lazy to use fresh garlic!)
• Dash cayenne pepper (I know! But I don’t know how else to describe it, it’s an old bottle with a small shaker top and I give it about 8 shakes.)
• 1 t ground coriander
• 1/2 t ground cumin
• 1/2 c salsa
• 1 medium tomato, diced
• 1/2 large onion, diced

Combine the first 7 ingredients stirring until well blended. Add the last three ingredients in any order stirring till well blended. Chill (overnight if possible), serve with corn chips and enjoy!

*AG will hate this but please understand A, I'm not really bashing myself, it's just that I've come to terms with the fact that I am a fat chick. Seriously, it's coming from a very positive space! More on this topic later.