Not dead yet

I have about a dozen posts running around in my head right now so if my internet connection will cooperate (crosses fingers) I should be able to crank out a couple to make up for the last two weeks.

Let's see, for starters the last two weeks have been nuts and not in the good lottery-winning, prize-patrol-visiting kind of way, more in the crazy making, what the hell was I thinking kind of way.

Photo evidence is dead. Sad to say my digital camera is having issues. So far it is not responding to psycho-therapy. I suppose it's possible that the lithium battery is just worn out but I haven't been able to find one that fits. It doesn't help that it's a Minolta, which is no longer in business and is now wholly owned by Sony or somebody. This sucks because I keep finding wonderful things to take pictures of and share with you, giant black furry caterpillars, giant bales of hay and a green-haired Ebo, just to name a few. (Re: the latter, Dudes! Manic Panic ROCKS! Ebo's green hair is effing gorgeous! Did I mention that I'm trying to curb the cursing lately? Yah, turns out my sailor mouth is contagious, oops! Sorry Mrs. Social Studies teacher! That's another story for a day with a more reliable internet connection, ahem.)

Let's see, what else, over at Le Toast de Suzette she's done started a movement, may even be a craze from what I hear. I can't believe they invoked the Haiku Gods though. It's kind of dangerous for me to get started on those, I have a hard time stopping, but at least I can contribute to the cause. I apologize in advance to BoBBert, because honestly? Some of these might suck.

Tagged for poetry
I might deliver haiku
and some of it sucks

Once I get started
It's impossible to stop
I just keep going

They flow from my mouth
or my pen with equal ease
Ms. Dove would be proud

But this one's for fall
her tattered glamour intact
Summer dies with grace

If frost comes early
he will hasten her demise
she burns brighter still

Not to be outdone
he paints the windows sparkly
Crackle go the leaves

My writing suffers
when TG is visiting
she invades my space

right now for instance
she requires my assistance
recipes must wait

My apologies
to Christina and others
I will be back soon

Can't stay away long
since this is my therapy
I can't deny it.

Thank you for being here.

Love and hugs,

Beth

Best Guacamole Ever

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. Don't worry, I'm not dead yet and it’s unlikely that I'll be shutting up any time soon, certainly not while there's a Shrubbery in the White House that needs pruning. (Not a very nice shrubbery either!)

Many moons ago, when I first sent out blog invites to my small circle of girlfriends, I promised recipes and today, I intend to deliver on that promise because, my dear internuts, I am one badass cook. I know! It's not like me to toot my own horn this way. It's true! I'm much more likely to be quick with the self-deprecating humor. Not to worry, I have some of that for you too. You don't think I got this fat without learning how to cook, do you?*

The problem is, most of these recipes live in my head. I tend not to measure things; it's a heaping spoonful of this, a tiny handful of that, a couple shakes of the other, etc. So what is that, a pinch? a dash? half a teaspoon? I have no clue. Blissfully I traipsed along in that manner for many years and might have continued but I got married instead hijinx ensued the universe had other ideas. After a series of non-blogworthy events, culminating in 8 pm dinner times it was determined that I needed to relinquish my role as chief cook for the greater good. (I hear that other, saner parents actually have their children in bed by this hour. I have no idea how they do this.)

Prior to marrying me, Yo's cooking experience extended to the opening of cans, nuking TV dinners and leftover take-out, he was a confessed eater of raw ramen noodles, he was a non-cook. He did not know that t=teaspoon and T=tablespoon. He thought; with a surprising display of logic for one so non-linear, that a table spoon was a spoon that one puts on the table, i.e. a serving spoon. He had to learn that a meal includes a protein, a carbohydrate and at least one but preferably two or more vegetables.

Motivated by his appetite and fearless creativity he kept trying. Yes, and for this we are eternally grateful because now? (Here comes the dirty little secret!) Sometimes I think he’s a better cook then I am! Seriously! Of course, I'm still queen of the holiday meals. He can't compete with my superior organizational skills (read: OCD) when it comes to getting everything on the table at the same time.

Slowly but surely our family favorites were documented on scrap paper to be collected in a small cardboard box on top of the microwave. Sometimes I’d remember to write things down ahead of time; other times I literally phoned it in from memory while I was at work, that’s how Yo learned to make meatloaf and the old standby Tofu Noodle Stuff®. Eventually I started writing down recipes as I was making them “in case this turns out to be a good batch.” Thus, I now have at least half a dozen recipes for Apple Crumble and I have no idea which version is best. When I figure it out I’ll be sure to let you know.

Moving along…once upon a time back in 1979 I was a sophomore in High School and my Spanish teacher decided we should have a Cinco De Mayo party and he asked us all to bring something. I’m not clear on the details but somehow I got roped into making guacamole, something I had never done. Well, long story short, I did not learn the proper way to open an avocado until several years later and frankly, the concoction I came up with was not nearly as appetizing as the picture on the menu. I mean, I knew it was supposed to be green, but that precise shade of jungle camo green was not what I was expecting.

Several years later a good friend and amazing cook showed me the proper way to open an avocado and I’ve been perfecting my guacamole ever since. Thus, the recipe I share with you below is over 20 years in the tweaking.

Beth’s Best Guacamole

• 4 ripe avocados, pitted, scooped and mashed into submission
• 1/4 c light mayo (substitute anything of similar color and consistency)
• 1.5 T lemon juice
• 1/2 t granulated garlic (Yes, I am too lazy to use fresh garlic!)
• Dash cayenne pepper (I know! But I don’t know how else to describe it, it’s an old bottle with a small shaker top and I give it about 8 shakes.)
• 1 t ground coriander
• 1/2 t ground cumin
• 1/2 c salsa
• 1 medium tomato, diced
• 1/2 large onion, diced

Combine the first 7 ingredients stirring until well blended. Add the last three ingredients in any order stirring till well blended. Chill (overnight if possible), serve with corn chips and enjoy!

*AG will hate this but please understand A, I'm not really bashing myself, it's just that I've come to terms with the fact that I am a fat chick. Seriously, it's coming from a very positive space! More on this topic later.

I should probably quit but I'm just too stubborn.

I suppose I should start by apologizing for not writing more lately but in spite of the eclectic cross country mix of readers promise by my statistics (Shout outs to Brooklyn, Saint Paul, Plano, Seattle, Sydney, Brussels and Laurel, Mississippi!) and my compulsive apologizing disorder, I have a hard time believing that there's anyone to apologize to when no one ever comments. Let's face it, it's not like I'd be missed by the greater blogosphere if I quit writing today, right? So I'm sorry I haven't written lately but I've been spending that time reading other people and I'm apparently incapable of doing both. However I'm too damn stubborn to give up on either so I guess I'll just continue doing both badly rather then deleting this wee bit of internet detritus.

I was thinking about blog mortality today while reading about Karen's decision to continue blogging after she returns from China with Maya Papaya and also yesterday, when I discovered the distressing news that my beloved Granny Vibe has taken down her blog as well. Her delightful son Finn says she's taking a break for awhile and really, who can blame her under the circumstances? I often wonder where they get the energy to keep these things up. That's the main reason I put off starting one of my own, I was afraid it would just become one more albatross.

I've only been reading blogs for a couple of years and I've seen them come and go in that time, but the most interesting thing to me is watching them morph. That's what happened at Karen's blog, she started off blogging on infertility and she was almost at the end of that road when I started reading. Then it became an adoption blog and, in just a few days when she picks up her daughter in China, it will become a dreaded Mommy blog.

I think when I started writing this I just wanted it to be a blog about nothing and also everything, no big angsty issues, more of a daily journal of life. Additionally, I started to feel that I needed to give something back to the larger blogging community. It seems silly now since there were only a few people who actually asked me why I didn't have my own blog; but I started to feel like a fraud whenever I commented on other blogs, you know, how can I spew my opinions all over the internet without giving them the opportunity to reciprocate? But I don't really have a cohesive theme or specific personal issue that I needed to process so it's unlikely that this blog will ever have the kind of community that's attached to say, the infertility or feminist blogs.

(Wow, this is turning into a boring rambling post. How original and thought provoking!)

Anyway, I guess I'll continue writing here and I'm going to try moving towards shorter but more frequent posts. It's not like blog worthy things don't happen around here every single day, it's just that I need to actually document them instead of just laughing and saying, oh, that should sooo go on the blog!

The rest of this message is for a certain Liz in Deep Inferno, Louisiana, if you read this I want you to know that I'm visualizing you mercilessly kicking lymphoma's skinny ass. I'm working out at least twice a week, sometimes 3 and every time I go I silently thank you for motivating me. I'm trying not to think of you breathlessly banging the painter in spite of the fact that my most succinct advice on that subject would be "less talk, more banging" but I certainly hope that's the direction your relationship is moving.

Love to all who venture here, be blessed!